Open Letter to My Dad

(We buried my father last Friday. I suspect he has some questions about why I did certain things and I wanted him to know ‘why’. Also, many friends have wondered about some of the details and I thought this would be a good way to share. And in case you are reading this first part but not the rest, please take away THIS: There is AN END to our days so don’t wait too long.)

You may be wondering why I was so ardent in my efforts to make the end as ‘Jewish’ as possible for you when the vast majority of your life was not. I was actually challenged with this question by someone I greatly respect and knows our family well. It really bothered me at first. Was I doing this for ME?

I can answer that now, at least in my head. The very first part of your life was Orthodox. Then things changed drastically for you – as a young teen – and religion was more enemy than friend. But I think you identified with Judaism in a very internal, personal way that got stronger over time. I tried to complete the circle for you because that’s what life is – a circle; ashes to ashes, dust to dust. You started out very Jewish and I tried to make the end as Jewish as I could.

But there was more. Most of our talks, as the end got closer, centered on your desire for mother to be taken care of. (Sidebar: You should know better than ANYBODY, mother really needs no help. She’s an incredibly strong person) The Jewish tradition of ‘Shomer’ – guardian of the body from the moment of death until burial – seemed to be the best way to give her peace of mind; knowing that your earthly remains were treated with the utmost respect, until you reached your final resting place.

Speaking of which, I’m sorry about no Arlington National Cemetery. Your Purple Heart and WWII war hero status wasn’t good enough to move you up the 6-month waiting list to be buried there. Your youngest son tried; REAL hard. But bureaucracy won. The good news is, it will be easier for many family and friends to visit you at Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery in St. Louis.

I am trying my best to maintain Jewish tradition by sitting shiva for you. But since we were never particularly religious – some would say I’m not Jewish at all – some of the ‘rules’ are difficult to adhere to; much like the funeral itself. (My drivers do not want another week of un-paid vacation, so I will be working later this week.)

This part – sitting shiva - is for me. By trying to keep some of these traditions, I am first-of-all learning what they are and then, secondly, getting some comfort from it. Which is ironic, since most of these customs are meant to be UN-comfortable so you focus on the grieving process. But then I consider myself a Pragmatic Jew; I try to fit these 3,000 year old customs into my 21st century life. As you know, I believe religion is about inner-peace and a personal relationship with GOD. Since I find following the ENTIRE Bible to be nearly impossible, I focus on Exodus 20:1-17 (The Ten Commandments).

That part about honoring thy Mother and thy Father? That has been my motivation for the past two months. You need to know, I still feel good to this day about what I have done. I understand your questioning my commitment but, more often than not, I try to do the right thing because it IS the right thing.

I will miss you dad. The conversations we had these past few weeks have changed me for life. I had hard feelings for you many, many years. I blamed you for a lot of stuff that now, in hind-sight, is so trivial. The last ten years have been better. The past two months have been priceless. Thanks. And thank GOD I was able to get it right while you were still here.

Personal Issues

As I have previously mentioned, I do not get much into personal details here -- either my own or business of others. I have to admit, I really don't get Facebook. Why is it important for every moment of your life to be detailed to the world?

My dad is still sick. The good news is that he is out of the hospital and at home. But I do not believe he is going to be with us much longer. I have been in GA at their house since Dec 2 so there has been little 'Travelling the USA" going on.

I hope to resume this blog in the near future when we get thru this chapter of our lives. Until then, your prayers are most welcome.